


ASMR Date With BNN News Anchor Brando

by NuperSatural



Series: 2018 Shitposts [1]
Category: BNN News Network
Genre: First Addition To My 2018 Shitpost Challenge, First Date, Where I Shitpost Via Fanfic Instead Of On Twitter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 11:50:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13247640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuperSatural/pseuds/NuperSatural
Summary: You watch his live streams. You follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. When he said he was moving to Michigan, you cried. Now experience Brando from a new perspective; the front seat of his Uber.





	ASMR Date With BNN News Anchor Brando

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Minion Fuck Group](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Minion+Fuck+Group).



> I'm sorry for the horribly misogynistic rap.

You are scrolling through your newsfeed on Facebook when you see his post. Unlike his longer BNN News updates, this one is short. "Does any one want to go on a date?" it says. Your heart starts beating faster.  _Yes_ , you think,  _I would love to go on a date with you_. 

Completely ignoring the fact that it was a public post for all 1,602 of his friends to see, you click on the Messenger icon.

"Hi Brando," you write. "I saw your newest status. I am a big fan of your BNN News. It keeps me so informed about events in McHenry County. I literally consume no other news but yours. Anyways, I saw your status and my answer is yes. I want to go on a date with you. Please respond."

You wait in pure agony for a response.  _He dated that like fifty year old woman Charlene, why wouldn't he date me?_

After nearly an hour of anticipation, the gray chat bubble finally appears.

"Cool I can pick you up in 15mins" he writes.

You type your response excitedly, "Omg okay that sounds great! Do you want my address?"

"Just call my Uber. It'll send me your address."

Being more of a Lyft person, you quickly download and create an account with Uber. You set up a pickup from Brando. The app tells you it will cost $10, but you figure Brando is a gentleman, and would never make you pay on the first date.

You watch Brando's car on the app get closer and closer to your house. By the time he arrives, you are absolutely shaking with exhilaration. You run out your front door, not even locking it behind you because you are convinced that McHenry is a safe place to live, and jump into his blue 2009 Toyota Camry. 

Brando is wearing a baggy graphic tee with baggy jeans and a snapback. You suddenly feel under-dressed in your matching McHenry Warriors hoodie and lounge pants. 

"Hi Brando." You say.

"Hello milady." He responds.

"Where are you going to take me?"

"I thought you could just ride around in my Uber with me for a while and then we could hang out at my apartment that I pay for by myself."

"Okay that sounds cool."

So you accompany Brando on his Uber runs. He only gets called twice, once to drive someone from the McHenry Shores neighborhood to the McDonald's by Big R, and once to drive a drunk citizen home from one of McHenry's many shitty bars. It's only two in the afternoon and you're pretty sure that drunk guy was your middle school crush's stepdad Craig. For the four hours you spent in Brando's passenger seat waiting for these two calls, he played you lowfi chill anime hip hop beats while rapping over them.

"So are you working on any new mixes?" You asked.

"Yeah, want me to rap one for you?"

You almost screamed from joy. "Yes."

"Okay, let me find the beat." He waited for the beat to restart, then completely ignored it and rapped out of time:

"I'm the fucking mother fucker bitch,   
let me see your titties bitch,  
I work at fucking Walmart bitch,  
buy Bengay I have an itch-

To rap about my hometown bitch,  
I'm the coolest man there is,  
upgrade from Burger King, I did,  
now I work at Walmart bitch.

You see me at my cashier station,  
my yellow vest, illumination,  
swipe your card, money migration,  
grab your bags no hesitation.

I'm the mother fucking fucker bitch,  
let me see your license bitch,  
if you don't have a license bitch,  
you can't roll in my Uber shit.

Yeah I work at fucking Uber too,  
driving hoes round with my crew,  
if you want to join, I will include,  
just let me know I'll be there soon.

I'll pick you up, girl, in my car,  
we will drive so fucking far,  
making cash and burning gas,  
fuck the Earth I'm making cash.

I'm the fucking mother fucker bitch,  
I graduated West Campus bitch,  
some day Brando will make it big,  
and you'll say "AH I got his dick!"

The lowfi chill anime hip hop beats tape had long since stopped playing by the time he finished. The two of you sat in silence for several minutes.

"I think it's nice." You eventually said.

"Yeah I'm still working on it though," is all he said.

Finally, after a whole five hours in his car, his Uber shift is up. He drives you back to his apartment like he said he would. When you get inside you notice that it smells kinda rank and there's a lot of empty Busch Lite cans scattered about. Brando disappears into what you assume is his bedroom as you just stand in the middle of the combined living room-kitchenette. He comes out of his room wearing the exact same outfit as before but now with a plush white robe on as well. 

"I'm kind of hungry." You tell him.

"I have some Takis you can eat." He says. He takes a family sized bag of Takis off of his counter and hands it to you. You didn't even know they made family sized bags of Takis.

"You can't eat them all." He says.

"I won't." You say.  _Spicy foods activate my IBS_ , you think. 

Brando then proceeds to turn on his 30 inch plasma screen. It automatically loads Madden '06.

"I love football!" You say, trying to impress him.

"It's my favorite sport." Brando says.

"I love the Bears." You continue.

"The Bears suck. I like the Lions. Even though I'm from Chicago, I like the Detroit Lions. I have family in Michigan."

You nod your head encouragingly at him as he speaks. This is the most he's talked your whole date. It's very exciting.

"Are you still thinking about moving to Michigan?" You ask. "I'd miss your BNN News updates. How would I know if there was a crash on a road I wanted to use?"

Brando shrugs and tells you that he now wants to move to Florida.

"Wow! Florida! Disney World!" You basically shout at him.

He doesn't respond.

You watch him play Madden '06 for what feels like forever. He only responds with "yeah" and "no" when you ask him questions.  _Maybe I should ask a question that isn't a yes or no answer_ , you think. But you never do.

Brando eventually looks down at his watch and without looking at you says, "it's late, you should probably go home."

"But you drove me here."

"I guess I can drive you home."

"Do you remember my address?"

"Just call for me on Uber again."

After calling for Brando on Uber again you get back in his car and he drives you home. You talk the whole ride home out of nervousness because you think he might try to kiss you when he drops you off. He doesn't seem to be listening to a word that you say.

When he pulls up to your house, you unbuckle your seat belt slowly, giving him time to lean over and kiss you if he wanted. You open your door, dissappointed, and start to get out when you hear Brando say "wait."

"Yes?" You turn to him eagerly.

"You owe me a tip for your Uber ride."

"Oh."

"Your ride total is $40."

You don't have any money with you. An idea pops into your head. 

"Maybe if we go on a second date, I'll tip you ;-)" you flirt.

Brando outwardly laughs at you.

When he pulls away from your house, you watch him drive off before going back inside. You immediately check his profile to see if he posted anything about the date. He did. The status says:

"Wow some people are such assholes. If you take Uber you need to tip it's just like at a restaurant where you tip. Watch out my other Uber drivers some people in McHenry have no class and don't tip but say they will next time. I'm just trying to make a living like everyone else."

You read it over and over again with tears in your eyes, knowing you can never remedy the situation because you quit your job at Famous Footwear last week and now have no money. 

You sad react to his status and go to sleep.

 

  


End file.
